I am new to blogging but am determined to teach myself how to do it so please be patient as I learn the ins and outs of this.
I wrote this part of my story in July of 2009. I have a strong conviction to share it. My story is an ongoing story and my goal is to keep sharing. There is hope in the midst of your trials.
A little background info:
I am 41 yrs old, a stay at home wife/mom, in pretty good shape/health. I workout, eat somewhat healthy, and go for my yearly “womanly” exams as all woman should. I turned 40 in 2008, visited my ob/gyn and received my RX to get my first mammogram. Well, life, (as is with the majority of people these days), pretty much got in the way of me fulfilling my duty of scheduling my mammogram right away. It wasn’t that I was scared to go; I was just busy but promised myself I would definitely go before the RX expired.
Without going into too much detail, around this same time (early 2008), Dennis (my husband) was still dealing with issues of anxiety. He had had two panic attacks within a year (May of 07 was his first one) which were pretty scary and he was still trying to come to terms with it all. He was definitely getting better, saw a therapist periodically, joined a couple of men’s groups at our church for support, and was bound and determined to change his “stinkin’ thinkin” as he calls it. As hard as I tried to understand what he was going through, I couldn’t grasp/comprehend what was going on in that head of his. The stuff he was anxious about just didn’t make sense to me. We were both having a difficult time understanding the effects this was having on each of our lives. We weren’t doing a good job at being there for each other. It was a trying time in our home/marriage relationship but because of a lot of prayer, was getting a little better each day.
God’s Timing is perfect……
Fri, May 1, 2009 I went for my first mammogram. I had no reason to fear anything would come back abnormal. Four days later,
Tues, May 5, 2009, my doc called me (I was at Chris’ baseball game) and said there were some suspicious areas, micro calcifications, and it was recommended I go for a 2nd, more intensive mammogram. I did not tell Den right away. Heck no! We were at Chris’ game and I didn’t want Den to freak. I was afraid to tell him because of his anxiety issues. I went home, did research first and found micro calcifications to be fairly common and usually nothing to worry about. I explained it to Dennis and told him I would set up another appt as quick as I could. We immediately went into prayer mode. Den’s men’s group went into prayer mode. Friends and family who knew what was up went into prayer mode.
Wed, May 20, 2009, 2nd mammogram done. I received the results the same day. Films showed two areas of concern – recommendation was to have a biopsy. As I listened to the doctor and the nurse explain the procedure and the possible results to me, I had no fear. The word cancer came up for the first time but it didn’t faze me. 80 to 85% of the time results come back as nothing to worry about. I scheduled the biopsy as soon as I could get in. Again, prayer mode time – prayers that biopsy would come back w/positive news were sent up by many people. I too prayed the same thing but all the while, everything in my being told me the opposite was going to happen. It’s not that I didn’t believe God could take care of it; I just had a feeling the story was just about to get heated.
Tues, May 26, 2009 was the biopsy – actually two biopsies since there were two areas of concern. My job was to lay flat on my belly, totally still for an hour and a half as they biopsied the two areas. It was very uncomfortable lying on this bed of steel with only a thin blanket under me, oh, and a small pillow. I wanted to cry but all I thought of doing was pray. I prayed to God to help me. I remember saying to God that if Jesus could suffer with nails in His hands and feet then I could do this.
We were told the biopsy reports would be in by Friday but our prayers were for a quicker turn around. God came through. We got the call from my gyn on Thursday morning….diagnosis was DCIS – a non invasive type of breast cancer and we need to have a surgical consult. My doc gave me three surgeons to consider and I didn’t have much time to figure out which one was best for us. I had Chris’ senior mass to attend that day and also his senior banquet that night. Graduation was right around the corner and this was all coming at the most inopportune time.
I immediately went online to research surgeons and had no clue how to pick. I desperately prayed to God to help me choose the right surgeon. I ultimately chose one by process of elimination and made the call to set up the first available appointment. Many would probably ask why we didn’t just slow down, ask around, research more, etc but both Den and I felt the best thing to do was get moving and get this treatment underway as quick as possible. Besides, we had prayed and knew if the surgeon we chose wasn’t the right one, God wouldn’t have allowed an appointment to be available so quick. We both had such a peace about it – a peace only God can give when you ultimately put it in His hands.
I had a few days to kill as I waited for the appointment with the surgeon and of course like many others probably would do, I researched DCIS until I was blue in the face. I was quite sure I knew what was in store for me. Although mastectomy was an option, most likely I would only need a lumpectomy w/radiation. We continued to pray that we would feel comfortable with this surgeon and that she would explain everything in terms we could understand and that the news would be the best we could get. We were ready.
Tues, June 2, 2009 was our surgical consult. The surgeon wasted no time laying it all on the table for us with about a 30 minute spiel. Although DCIS is a non invasive cancer, mine was graded a high grade of 3 which basically meant cells were capable of multiplying quicker than if it were a grade 1. Also, even though the initial diagnosis was DCIS (non invasive cancer), the fact it was grade 3 meant there was that possibility it could have invaded the lymph nodes. She showed us my films and explained more things to us, gave us the surgical options and all the percentages of the chances of cancer coming back for each surgical procedure. With all the statistics/numbers being thrown out at us, I remember zoning out at one part toward the end of the spiel and was so grateful Dennis was there with me to catch everything I missed. He not only was there with me, he was there FOR me which is huge in our story.
Our surgeon never outright told us what she would do if it were her making the decision for herself. Her job was to provide facts and options but both Den and I agreed it sounded as if she was leaning toward mastectomy to be the best option for me. She could tell we were not 100% sure of what to do so for extra confirmation she suggested an MRI be done to verify the right breast was clear and to see if there were any more cancer cells hiding in the left breast.
Upon checking out at the receptionist desk, I was handed a big binder with a ton of info on breast cancer, procedures, treatments, etc. which all fit into my new “breast cancer” bag with a pink ribbon pin on it. Reality hit – I had breast cancer. But, there was no time to waste. When did we want to set up the MRI? We said immediately! How about tomorrow??? But, that wasn’t feasible since the MRI office was supposedly closed already. Instead, the receptionist sent a fax to request the next available MRI appt for me. They would get this request in the morning. In the meantime I went downstairs to get blood work and x-rays taken. Den and I just sat, talked, tried to make sense of it all. We both felt mastectomy was going to be the way to go so we just prayed as we sat waiting. We prayed for wisdom on making the right decision and also to get in for the MRI as quickly as possible.
Don’t tell me God isn’t good! Sitting, waiting for my name to be called for x-rays, I received a call on my cell from an unrecognizable number. Wouldn’t you know, it’s the office calling to set up my MRI! Yup! And it’s after office hours! No waiting until tomorrow morning for the phone call. We have two options for Thursday, two days from now. Option 1: 6:40am appointment or Option 2: 9:30pm appointment. Ummmm…..We’ll take the Early Rise Special.
Thursday, June 4, 2009, MRI time. Den and I talked in the car on the way to hospital that maybe, just maybe with us getting in so early we could get results back by the end of the day. We were told MRI results usually come back in 24 hours which would put us at tomorrow morning. Got to hospital and as I was checking in I briefly saw my surgeon. We talked for a minute. I made a comment to her that perhaps she would be calling me TODAY w/results of the MRI instead of tomorrow. She just smiled and said something like, “Well, you never know.” I decided then that that was definitely my prayer, results to come in today. I remember being very confident it would happen.
The MRI was another one of them tests where I had to lay on my stomach and hold totally still. The machine was loud. My right arm had an IV and was cold, hurting and became somewhat numb. It was another uncomfortable test to endure. Again, all I could do was pray and remind myself about the nails in Jesus’ hands and feet which He endured for me. I could do this.
Den and I both went on with our day confident that results of the MRI would come today. What happened next I wish to share word for word what I wrote in my journal….
Excerpt from my journal:
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Matt had game at 6pm this night. I was getting ready to leave for game. Still no call from surgeon w/results. I resigned (almost) to the fact I wasn’t getting a call but I did say one more prayer that God, You could still make this happen. Well, just about to go out door – had purse on arm and phone rings – private number. It was surgeon calling from her CELL to give me results. Thank you God! MRI showed NOTHING in right breast. Showed only one more small cluster of cells in left breast. Praise God! Much better chance it won’t be in lymph nodes but still don’t know yet. Next step was to set up plastic surgeon consultation.
What I didn’t mention in my journal was, while on the phone w/the surgeon, I made the decision to have the mastectomy of my left breast, a sentinel node biopsy, and immediate reconstruction. It made the most sense to me and I knew Dennis would agree even though I didn’t wait to consult w/him at this particular moment. We had talked earlier and we were both on the same page. My surgeon said someone from her office would call in the morning to set up an appointment with a plastic surgeon.
Friday, June 5, 2009
Journal entry…
Woke up Friday morning and asked God, “What do you want from me today, God?” I heard, “TRUST ME”
Stuck around house Friday morning waiting on call to set up plastic surgeon consult. Was praying to get in quick – Mon. (that was the day we thought God would give us). HA! Got the call to come in SATURDAY – TOMORROW. Holy cow! Sat?
Saturday, June 6, 2009 was our consultation with the plastic surgeon. It was a surgeon my breast cancer surgeon set us up with. I read his bio and he sounded like a sought after doc. But still, he needed to be the right doctor for us.
Journal entry…
Saw plastic surgeon but had prayed fervently that we would have a peace about him. That we would feel comfortable with him. We needed to know that he’s the one for the job. Den and I are both very sure he will be great for us. We told him how eager we are to move forward with this. He called my other surgeon’s answering service to inform them to get us scheduled ASAP! I am praying for Tuesday. I really want to get going on this but God Your will please. Please let me get done what I can for Chris’ graduation party prior to surgery. Help Dennis during this time too. Help him to know the things to say, do etc. He’s been awesome so far. Thank you for him. Thank you for the support he’s getting from men’s group.
I was very confident, so confident that the surgery would be on Tuesday, June 9 that I spent the previous two days, Sunday and Monday preparing what I could for Chris’ graduation party. I knew I would be somewhat incapacitated on graduation party day so I had to have done what I could so I didn’t have to rely too much on others (was a pride thing on my part.)
Sunday, June 7, 2009 started out great. We went to church. I talked with a woman who battled breast cancer ten years ago. She answered some questions I had. It was comforting to talk with her. She didn’t even know me and had so much compassion for what I was going through and what was yet to come. She hugged me, gave me her number and assured me she was praying for me. I was actually feeling on top of the world this morning. Some may say that’s kind of messed up thinking. I mean, you have breast cancer and are getting a mastectomy. Your life is about to change. But I was so in awe of how everything was working out. There was absolutely no way this story could have been played out the way it was thus far if God’s hand were not on it. The appointments and how they were just falling into place one after the other. The two surgeons thus far being awesome and receiving high praise from anyone we spoke to in the medical field. And not to mention the support we had from family and friends and all the prayer that was being sent our way.
I continued to hold out for a Tuesday surgery while Dennis was thinking Thursday. I just knew it was going to be Tuesday.
Still Sunday, June 7, later in the day…
I started getting emotional thinking about what is going to happen to me- a mastectomy. Reality set in a little more. I really broke down in bathroom. All I kept hearing is, “I am going to use you.”
I didn’t know what to think of that. I didn’t even want to write it down. In fact, I waited until right before bed to write it down. I had a very hard time accepting that God wants to use me. I’m not worthy of that. I’ve messed up. How can I be worthy of being used by God? I heard it a few more times – cried and then Den said let’s go for a walk. Again, though a simple thing, he was there for me like he hasn’t been in the past. It was exactly what I needed.
Monday, June 8, 2009 I waited all morning for the phone call to tell me my surgery was scheduled. I admit, I was getting impatient. The longer I waited the more I started to think, “This isn’t going to happen tomorrow, is it?” I was starting to doubt and get down. Den decided to call the surgeons for me.
1pm. Den talked to surgeons. They can’t do my surgery for 2 wks! Two frickin’ weeks. I don’t know how I’m going to get thru these next two wks waiting. I was so hoping it would be tomorrow, Tuesday. Not sure what God’s reason is for this delay. His timing is perfect, I know. Kim from the surgeon’s office said she’s going to try to work some magic to get it done sooner. If it’s not this wk, may as well just wait til after grad party and Father’s Day. I have to continue to trust no matter how hard. God if it’s your will, please let an opening for my surgery pop up.
I remember being so devastated. I cried. How can I wait two weeks knowing what was ahead of me? Poor Dennis just did not know what to do. He pleaded with Kim to please try to work something out to get the surgery done sooner. I remember finally being able to pull it together long enough to pray. Reluctantly and through tears, I told God I didn’t understand how I was going to get through these next two weeks knowing what was in store for me but that He was the only one who was going to be able to help me. I was so distraught. I was frustrated and upset. After praying and talking to my mom and another friend, I started to submit to the idea that two weeks will be just fine. Instead of dwelling on it all I knew to do was continue to praise God for who He was/is no matter what. But, there was still that nagging Tuesday date swimming in my head.
All I could do was know God was in charge and He had his reasons. I went on with my afternoon working on Chris’ album when Kim from the surgeon’s office called. You are amazing, God! Kim said my surgery is scheduled for tomorrow, TUESDAY! Holy Cow! Called Den to tell him. He started crying. Said he and Mike JUST finished praying and praising God about all this. I am in awe of all the prayer warriors out there praying on my/our behalf.
We knew God was behind the scenes. The surgeon who did the mastectomy does NOT do surgeries on Tuesdays and she makes sure Dennis knows this later in the story. Dennis and Mike were not only praying God would change the surgery date, they praised God too for Who He was and no matter what happened or when surgery was, He was still God and had us covered.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009 – day of surgery
On way to hospital. Den is great. There is no way he would/could have handled this a year ago with his anxiety issues. I am so proud of how far he has come. Dennis is calm. Dennis is NEVER calm. He is definitely a testimony in himself.
On our way to the hospital I told Dennis not to be surprised if someone came to sit with him. He didn’t believe me. He said no one knew where he would be. Besides, who would do that anyway? I just told him to wait and see. So we made a bet.
Before the surgery, no one but us was in the waiting room. It was like a ghost town. We later found out that hospital personnel have meetings on Tuesday mornings and surgeries are not scheduled until 8:30am on Tuesdays (mine was scheduled for 7:30am.) Hmmm…..
After the surgery, the breast cancer surgeon came out to tell Dennis no cancer was found in the lymph nodes. An expander with 5 ounces of fluid was put in to start my reconstruction. They sent the removed breast to pathology for one more biopsy to determine whether or not all cancer was indeed removed and to determine what type of preventative treatment I would have to do. The surgeon also told Dennis emphatically, “I don’t do surgeries on Tuesdays! You owe me a Starbucks Grande, Non Fat, Cappuccino because…..I don’t do surgeries on Tuesdays!” Again, hmmmmm……
So, surgery went well. I didn’t feel a thing. At least while I was “under” anyway. Lol! I woke up in pain and tears because of the pain. Was bandaged up pretty good. I was moved to a “short stay” room to be monitored over night. Oh and get this……if surgery itself wasn’t enough, mother nature, with her warped sense of humor, decided I should start my period right after I got settled in my room. Joy. What else could I do but laugh?
By the way, Den did end up losing the bet. Not only did one friend come sit w/him, three friends from his men’s group came to sit with him. I haven’t collected on that bet yet. In fact, I don’t even remember what the wager was but I’m sure I’ll think of something good.
The next few days were filled with pain and discomfort. Den took care of everything – laundry, cooking, grocery shopping, etc. We were still waiting for results of last biopsy which would really confirm whether or not the cancer had spread and whether or not I would have to do chemo or radiation as treatment. I remember praying in the morning of the day we got results, “God, please don’t make me have to
do chemo. I really don’t want to but I will do what I need to do for You.” I heard from God telling me, “You won’t need to do chemo. Later in the day we received the call that I was cancer free, I won’t need chemo OR radiation. In awe but not surprised.
Saturday, June 20, 2009 was Chris’ graduation party. It was an AWESOME party thanks to all my family/friends who made it a success. I learned a hard lesson through all this though. One of my problems in life is asking for help and then accepting the help from others graciously. Concerning Chris’ party, I allowed my pride to get in the way. I was determined to do as much for this party as I could even if my body wasn’t ready. I had a really hard time relinquishing all the duties which would make this party a success. Because of my pride, I had overdone it the night before. Needless to say, I had no choice but to let my family and friends do all the work the day of the party. It was a humbling experience that God allowed in my life in order for me to learn a lesson and I am thankful for that lesson and to every person who helped to make Chris’ party a success.
Since then, (as of July 21, 2009), I have had a post op appointment with the surgeon who performed the mastectomy, three post op visits with the plastic surgeon, and a visit to the oncologist. I will continue to see the plastic surgeon until my reconstruction is complete (sometime in the fall 2009) and the oncologist for many years. I will be on medication for at least five years which is supposed to reduce my chance of cancer coming back in right breast to only 7%. My energy level is not where it used to be. I cannot workout like I used to and I get frustrated. I have “up” days and “down” days (mostly “up”) and overall I am doing really well. Dennis continues to help out immensely around the house even though I’m able to start doing more. He has truly grown through this experience probably as much, if not more than I have.
I must make mention of the many, many cards that have been sent to me which I still have hanging on my mantle and doorway as a reminder of how good God is and friends and family are. I have never been on the receiving end, to this magnitude, of such generosity and support until this time in my life. What a humbling experience for me. I received cards from people I’ve never met whether it was sent from someone in Den’s men’s group or from a friend of a friend. I received cards from family and/or friends I haven’t seen or talked to in awhile. I am truly grateful for the meals that were made for my family, the visits I received from friends and family, the flowers – oh the beautiful flowers! I could have sold you some flowers for a time there. The gifts. The buttoned up shirts that were generously bought for me or loaned to me. Those were a simple yet much needed necessity in my life at the time. My facebook friends who have been an amazing support. But most of all, the prayers that were sent our way which mean the world to us. I will never, ever forget.
July 10, 2009
I received a card from Kim, the receptionist, who worked her “magic” to get the surgery scheduled on Tuesday. (Not only had we bought that Starbucks coffee for my surgeon, we also gave Kim a gift card from Starbucks for working so hard on our behalf.) No one can tell me God’s hand wasn’t all over this situation. Here’s what she had to say……
Dear Teresa and Dennis,
Thank you so much for the Starbucks gift card! That was so kind of you both! Totally unnecessary, but very much appreciated!
Teresa, you remind me much of myself. I’d want the surgery right then and there at that given moment. It did seem like “magic” that things fell into place as they did. Normally, it could have been several weeks to coordinate surgeons. I was not your angel, but you definitely must have one!
I will pray for you quick recovery. Remember, FAITH is your best pillow!
Thank you again for your thoughtfulness and generosity.
In Conclusion
I continue to believe God’s timing is perfect. When first diagnosed with breast cancer, I almost started beating myself up about not getting the mammogram immediately when I got the RX a year earlier. But now my answer to that is….God’s timing is perfect. God was preparing for exactly this time in my/our life to face this. Had this diagnosis been a year earlier, there’s no way Dennis would have/could have handled it w/his anxiety issues. He hadn’t joined his men’s groups yet a year ago. These men have been instrumental in helping and supporting Dennis through whatever came his way. He wouldn’t have been able to be there for me the way he has. We all would have been a mess.
Matthew’s own anxiousness and comfort level w/friends wasn’t good and these past couple weeks I have had to rely on friends and family to watch Matthew for me for hours on end sometimes. He wasn’t ready for that last year and it would have been really hard for me to leave him somewhere knowing how nervous and anxious he was. God’s timing is perfect.
I had pride issues of accepting help from others and thinking I can do it all. I needed to learn a lesson that I indeed cannot do everything. My surgery came at a time where I would have no choice but to accept help. I had to rely on Dennis to do everything from laundry to helping me shower. This was very humbling for me. My surgery was a week and a half prior to Chris’ grad party where I had to rely on everyone but me to make it a success. God literally put me on my butt for this one so I could learn my lesson. God’s timing is perfect.
There are so many more stories within this chapter of my life I could relate to you to reiterate how perfect God’s timing is but to do so would make this story longer than it already is.
Yes, it has been a whirlwind of events beginning with May 1, 2009 (my first mammogram) until now (having had my mastectomy) but I wouldn’t change it for anything. The way it all played out was truly a “God Thing”. You see, God has been preparing Dennis and me for this for many years (if only you could read my journal.) It’s been a journey with many hills and valleys but we both believe had we not encountered those hills and valleys, we would not have been able to trust God with this breast cancer issue the way we have. God has been working “stuff” out in both our lives to get us to this point – where we would need to trust God totally for whatever outcome. Our relationship with Him is what enabled us to trust Him with whatever we asked.
I don’t know where you are in your walk with God and I don’t want to sound preachy and I am far from being judgmental. I can assure you God isn’t about religion, He is about relationships. Everyone knows it takes at least two people to have a relationship…think of you and your spouse, or your children and yourself, or your best friend and yourself. It takes time and investment on BOTH ends in order to sustain a relationship. God has taken the first step by sending His Son Jesus to die for you, all you must do is accept it and proclaim it. Doesn’t meant storms won’t come your way…they will, but you can be assured God will not let you drown.
Here is a simple prayer of salvation that will not only guarantee a place in heaven for you, but it will change your life forever. It has mine and Dennis’ and is truly what has sustained us and is continuing to sustain us through the recovery period. It will start your relationship with God should you truly believe the words you pray…..
Dear Lord,
I admit that I am a sinner. I have done many things that don’t please you. I have lived my life for myself. I am sorry and I repent. I ask you to forgive me. I believe that you died on the cross for me, to save me. You did what I could not do for myself. I come to you now and ask you to take control of my life, I give it to you. Help me to live every day in a way that pleases you. I love you, Lord, and I thank you that I will spend all eternity with you.
Amen
If you’ve said this prayer and meant it, then proclaim it! Tell someone! Anyone! Find a church home and go enjoy your new relationship with your new best friend – Jesus.
Breast cancer struck, literally, in the midst of graduation time for my son. I admit it was difficult to hold it together a few times, even breaking down at his senior mass, but the satisfaction of watching Chris graduate couldn't have been greater. Without the events of 2009 I don't know if I would have seen the true colors as I did of my family and friends when they pulled together to put together the "bestest" graduation party for Chris. My mastectomy was exactly 11 days prior to his party and there was NO way I could have pulled off a party without them. First of all Den who had to juggle work, coaching, cleaning, cooking, laundry, making sure the backyard looked good for a party. My mom and Ann who cooked and cooked and cooked chicken. Ron and Cindy who let us use their backyard for extra space. Steve who cut the grass the day before. Cindy and Louise for decorations. Billy, Steve, Marc and Johnny who were doing their best to push water with brooms and pump water out of the backyard after torrential downpours the night before. It was a hopeless cause by the way. Kelly driving me to Party City to pick up the balloons. A seemingly small gesture but HUGE in my case at the time. Pam, Erin, Ann and Kelly who decorated. Laurie, MY LIFESAVER, who managed the whole kitchen scene and made sure the food was cooked and served on time. Steve and Ann who came back the next day, Father's Day, to help clean up. I mean, who does all this???
I have met some amazing women, "sisters", this year who are either breast cancer survivors, some still fighting it, and I am better for knowing them. I haven't had to endure the treatments as some of them have and after hearing what they go through, they are my heros. How about new friends and old friends I've caught up with through facebook? Some have sent so many prayers our way I feel they have been on this journey with me.
